Thursday, April 7, 2011

April 7, 2011 – How to Kill A Spider

Step 1: Spot the spider

Step 2: Yelp or Scream depending on “how” the spider was spotted. 
If you round a corner and the spider is casually roaming the ceiling or wall a “yelp” would be appropriate. 

If however, said spider is dangling in front of your face a scream/expletive will do nicely.

Step 3: Is there anyone in the nearby vicinity who can kill said spider for you? 
            Yes – proceed to step 4
            No – proceed to step 5

Step 4: Have someone else kill and dispose of spider

Step 5: Once heart rate has fallen into “normal” parameters determine the size and species of said spider:
      Smaller than a pinhead and not hairy, be brave grab a paper towel.  No not a tissue you don’t want any spider guts getting through the protective barrier.  Using paper towel as an implement of death, crush said spider and immediately dispose of paper towel and spider in a trash can outside of the apartment/house.  Just in case the spider is only “knocked out” and later wakes up seeking revenge.  What?  Look at all the times Lassie was “knocked out” but managed to crawl back home.

       Well I was going to explain the rules for all the other sizes of spiders but I’ve realized that any spider that is not docile and the size of a pinhead the rules are all the same.  So:

If the spider is bigger than a pin head and smaller than a bread box (those bread box  sized spiders are brutal) your best option is an aerosol can of bug spray, actually I take that back Hornet and Wasp spray is even better because it can shoot up to 10 feet giving you plenty of room to run away from any rampaging spiders gasping out a last minute attack before death.

When I am alone this is my preferred method of killing spiders.  Death by drowning in RAID; it works.  I have had more than one bigger than a quarter spider drag its body from the puddle of raid only to be knocked back into submission by a second, third, and sometimes fourth blast.  Typically a fourth blast of raid is not required but it really depends on your own personal level of hysteria.

My least favorite method of spider killing… the shoe.    Unfortunately, that is the method I was forced to employ earlier today.  I spotted one of those small hairy kamikaze leaping spiders in the bathroom.  They are quick and devious.  Having someone else kill it was out of the question.  L is at work and the beastly boy will chase cats but has no sense of killing adventure when it comes to spiders.  So I went with plan B, the non aerosol plastic bottle of bug spray.  In this instance I think Switzerland has gone a little overboard with the environmentally correct thing.  Seriously what a little whole in the ozone layer compared to the ease and effectiveness of killing a spider?

To my utter horror I am squeezing the little pump action bottle and NOTHING is happening.  No spray… NOTHING.  I swear I hear that spider laughing.  It left me no choice I had to resort to a shoe (sneaker in this instance).  Once I have the sneaker ready in my good throwing hand.. yes I considered throwing the sneaker but then I thought about the potential sneaker mark on the wall and how would I explain that to L?  By the time this throw the sneaker/swing the sneaker debate has completed the spider has moved to the uneven surface of the bathroom tile.  Now I have no choice, I smack the spider with the shoe.  The damn thing is bionic, he takes the full impact of the shoe and makes a leap for it.  Unfortunately for him he’s landed on the twisty knob thingy that opens and closes the tub drain.  Unfortunately for me that also means I can’t whack him, but wait, your heroine has a plan… DROWN HIM.  Yes the tub has a handy dandy hand shower attachment and I can reach both that and the water pressure thing without getting near the spider.  I turn the water on high, start to sing the “Itsy bisty spider…” song (ok not really but it sounds good) and I wash him down the drain.  Oh sure I had to turn the water on high and let it run for 5 minutes just in case he had a miniature set of scuba gear on him.  I did not want him clawing his way back up the pipe.

I still don’t understand why no one in Switzerland has screens.

© C.A. Bailey 2010 - 2011, All Rights Reserved.


  1. That was too funny. With the time you spend hunting spiders and writing about hunting spiders, I'm surprised you have time to work. :)

  2. LOL - I don't really hunt them so much as they hunt me and I go on the defensive... aggressively defensive :D

  3. At least you've given up your old technique of pretending its not there until someone else comes along, notices it, and kills it. That shows alot of personal growth. Love, Your Favorite Soider Killing Sister

  4. HA! Yet again you have been outed by your sister!!!

    Love this story too!

  5. ROTF!

    my own 92 pound can of Raid is asleep at my feet right now.And she comes running with claws extended at the first yelp.
    damn fine thing too because I cannot scream anymore without bringing tears to my eyes for the rest of the week.