Wednesday, April 13, 2011

April 13, 2011 – Fred

Now many of you won’t recognize that name, but on April 20th of this year it will be the 5th anniversary of my breaking up with Fred. 

I actually couldn’t remember the date, I tend to associate the event with “Easter” but L reminded me of the date and then my friend D confirmed it.  She literally has it written in her calendar.

I can’t tell you when Fred and I got together, it had to have been a slow process when he just grew on me.  I can’t even tell you how long we were together.  What I can tell you was it was an unhealthy relationship and when I finally discovered just how unhealthy, drastic measures were taken.  Fred was removed from my lie with surgical precision…. literally. 

I do have a picture of Fred and I together taken just two or three weeks before our breakup, I could share but Fred, well he’s not really attractive and if I am honest, it’s not really a great picture of me either.  Well unless you are in the medical profession and enjoy looking at a 6 inch (15 cm) polyp and intestines.  Not really what you were expecting right?  LOL  But hey if you really want to see us together drop your email in the comments and I send the pic... it's in color.

5 years ago I had surgery to remove 8 inches of my intestine so that the doctors could remove Fred.  Yes I named my polyp/tumor.  Hey if he’s going to be that large he’s earned a name.  I also determined that if he should either be paying me rent or he should be evicted.  We took the eviction route as ultimately it was the better choice… Break up with Fred or get cancer.  See, look how easy that was.

I have to admit that finding Fred turned out to be amusing.  Seriously I never said my sense of humor wasn’t twisted.  I hadn’t been feeling well for almost a year and finally my doctor referred me to a GI specialist who decided to do a colonoscopy to rule out infection or the possibility of crohn’s disease.   First let me point out that the drugs they gave me for that 1st colonoscopy had to be good.  I actually asked the doctor if I was going to get a tour of my colon.  Who does that?  Oh, me.  I also remember when we ran into Fred, because I asked “What’s that???”  It still makes me laugh because the nurse quickly blocked my view.  It seems both the doctor and the nurse were a wee bit surprised to run into something quite so large in someone so young at the time (41). 

Anyway after all was said and done and I called my Mom and Dad to come get me, because someone in a non-drugged state needed to be present to hear the results and the Doc was not about to let me leave the office before I had an appointment scheduled with a surgeon.  Here’s what I clearly remember.  I remember laughing, and as soon as I got into the car (no I was not driving) calling my sister to break the good news/bad news scenario.  The Good News – I had to have surgery, the bad news she and my brother both had to schedule colonoscopies ASAP.  Ok that still makes me laugh.  They had teased me about having to have a colonoscopy and somehow this twist of fate was funny to me.  Actually it still is funny to me.

I don’t think I ever really understood the significance of the surgery; meaning that it was kind of major surgery.  I did wander around a bit periodically chanting “it’s all good.”  I will admit that the thing that worried me the most about the surgery was my night terrors.  Sure that seems counter intuitive wouldn’t I worry about being operated on?  No I was worried that the anesthesia would be like going into a dream state and that at some point either going under or coming out of anesthesia I would have a night terror and try to launch myself off a table.  I’m thinking that after having a section of your intestines removed launching yourself from anywhere would be “bad.”  When I met with my surgeon I tried to explain my concern, but (a) I have a habit of downplaying the potential seriousness of night terrors and (b) he just didn’t get it.  Which meant I had to go to plan B: go see my pulmonary doc (he’s the sleep disorder guru) and get him to talk with the surgeon.  You know what’s funny, the night terror doc gad to admit that this was a “highly unusual” situation because I am “unique.”  He’d never had a patient with night terrors need surgery and had to do some research.  Some choices were:  Keep me asleep the entire time I was in the hospital or fine an alternative medicine to get me through my night terror stage of sleep.

Into the hospital I go, Night Terror doc has consulted with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist to manage how they wake me up.  Woo Hoo!

I wake up in recovery and I know two things (a) I HURT and (b) I have to pee.  Once we got past the “I hurt” stage I could focus on the I have to pee part.  My friend D told me that there was no way that they were going to let me get up off the stretcher to go to the bathroom and so I might as well not wait until I went to my room to say anything.  Ha Ha.. she was so wrong.  They rolled me into my room and I mentioned to the nurse that I needed to use the bathroom, and she asked if I wanted to get up.  HELLO YES.  Bedpan NO, isn’t surgery enough of a humiliation?  I got up off that bed, held onto the IV pole and shuffled my way over... slowly.  From that point on I was in and out of bed on my own.  I had a lot of incentive, get up move around, get sent home sooner.  I actually don’t remember a lot about my hospital stay, once again drugs will do that.  I remember a handful of visitors.  I don’t remember talking to one of my friends who told me she spoke with me every day.  I do remember making my friend Carla come into the bathroom with me at one point.  I needed her to tell me if the spot that I saw on the floor was moving (was it a spider and should I be freaking out) or was I hallucinating.  Hallucinating.  That was a comfort.

Anyway, 3 colonoscopies and 5 years later I have a clean bill of health and am officially on the 5 year colonoscopy schedule.  Hey that’s big news and although I am happy about that I would still gladly, well maybe “gladly” is pushing it, have an annual colonoscopy than surgery again.

So Happy Anniversary to me… :D I’ll be celebrating on that day with dessert 1st with D and Carla and no I wont be asking Carla to come into the bathroom with me for old time sake.

© C.A. Bailey 2010 - 2011, All Rights Reserved.


  1. Happy Anniversary!! I like your twisted sense of humor - it makes me laugh.

    Goodbye, Fred!

  2. Happy Anniversary. I believe when you told me the bad news was that I would need a colonoscopy I said you needing surgury was the bad news. Love Your Favorite Sister

  3. Happy Anniversary! See you soon!

  4. So very glad you broke up with Fred. Happy Anniversary, love! Glad news.

  5. Happy Anniversary!!!

    I have to admit, I glanced at my calender the second I saw Fred and voila!

  6. LOL! All I kept thinking while reading this post, until I really realized that you were talking about a thing and not a person, was Fred W. And I was thinking, dang, I didn't know Carol dated Fred...? I've been gone for far too long....

    Now I know...